A night in November.

For a guy who seems so confident, or so I'm told, I'm racked with self doubt about my game. At the start of November I was reasonably happy with my play online (I had seemed to find some form at last) but in the back of my head, rolling around were the horrible beats I'd put on a few people. I know they say that poker players forget the bad beats they inflict and remember with amazing clarity the beats they take but I'm cursed in that I remember all of them and the former can gnaw at your confidence given time and space. "You're crap" says the little voice. "You don't deserve to be here" "You aren't fooling anyone" "Give me 50 bucks".
Ok that last one was Mike standing behind me.

But as I said, I entered November happy enough with my game on the surface but by the end of the first week I was immersed in a full blown crisis of confidence. I was headlining Doubtfest 05. I blew 300 online trying to win 300 for rebuys in the MCM qualifier. I blew about 400 offline in the most horrible way, I simply sat and called it all away on bad hands. I didnt reraise when my reads told me I was being thieved from or fold a hand where I was obviously beat. I don't suffer much from tilts but on a few occasions I've been known to blow a stack with the best of them and that was one week long tilt.

The MCM qualifier came around and I played the first night very well but I made some simple mistakes and exited one off the bubble. I was furious with myself because Peter Roche put his finger on the mistakes I made and he was right. Bang on the money. I really got angry with myself and I encouraged that because anger galvanises me and I pride myself on learning from my mistakes (thats why I beat myself up about them!).
The second night I came back and played better in the exact same situation (shortstacked near the bubble). I clamped down on my discipline and ramped up my aggression.

The final of the MCM Qualifier I felt great, comfortable and on form. The players were all of a high standard but that didnt bother me a great deal, I know I shouldn't but I like to play with good players as I can model their play in my head a bit more accurately. The finals turned out to be one of the best tournies I've played in a long time and certainly the best online tournie I've been in. I felt I didn't make one mistake all night and finished fourth. Despite getting so close to a 30K payday I left feeling cleansed and happy. There had been a sea change in my attitude and a radical restructuring of my tournament game back towards the winning ways of last year.

It was on this wave of change that I headed to Limerick. Now, Mike and I are on 50% of each other in these games. Dave O'C had already nailed Dublin. Mike had gone deep in Athlone and was only stopped when his Aces were cracked all in preflop. And me. What had I done lately? A few decent cash wins in the cash games. A few near misses in the Monday game in the Fitz. Sure I was busy writing and traveling but I had done my tank in Barcelona (along with the rest of the gang!) and blown all my winnings in Vegas, back before I left. Was I a flash in the pan last year? I certainly seemed to be more fearless. I certainly won more often.

The tournament started off badly and you can read my report on it here. I sudden got very very determined and focused and really analysed each hand rather then just sleep walking through it.
As the day progressed I tighten my resolve and my discipline and maintained my large chip stack until almost as a shock, we were done for the night with 20 places left. I could feel my grip on my focus slipping so when I went back to my lodgings I sat up and consciously went through what had happened and how I had gotten to be nearly chip leader. I returned the next day with a plan and executed that plan. For the first three levels I didnt play a hand, or should I say, I didnt get a hand in position that I wanted to play. So I didnt. The tournament director cheekily re-introduced me saying that the crowd might have forgotten I was in the tournie. But I was far from asleep. I used the time to get a good feel for the table. A few judicious hands made people pay for thinking that just because I was tight, I must also be passive and bullyable. It helped when I found queens to nail the first guy to reraise me!

I maintained or improved my stack but never got the head-staggers or paniced as I have before. I was calm and precise and clinical for most of the time. Even when they handed me a big pile of 50's (140 in total!) I wasn't really very exuberant. Kevin Fitz gave Oscar and I a ride back to Dublin (for which much thanks Kevin!) and slowly a great big self satisfied grin spread from ear to ear in the dark in the back seat. A chuckle escaped and Oscar looked back at me in pulsing orange motorway light. I allowed myself a little giggle and fingered the wodge of cash in my pocket.

110 players and one demon beaten.